


If I'm Lion, I'm Dyin'

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Gen, Poisoning, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24068419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Several years ago, while working at Wal-Mart, I had a myriad of fanfiction ideas I never actually wrote or published because they were excessively dark and strange, even by my standards.  Today, I post one of these old, bizarre fanfics.This was written around the time the existence and context of "Stronger Than You" was a spoiler.  Anyhow, the actual synopsis:Pearl discovers that one of Amethyst's weird jokes has gone too far, and now she must break the news to Steven.  But how can she take the sting out of such terrible news?  By making it substantially worse than necessary, that's how.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	If I'm Lion, I'm Dyin'

It so came to pass one day that Pearl walked into Amethyst's room and beheld Amethyst lying on top of Lion, reading. "Amethyst, I trust you know why the washing machine is full of dead seagulls? Or why they stopped being dead and started trying to peck out my eyes?"

"Nope," Amethyst said, taking extra time to slowly turn the page of her vintage issue of Playboy. "Not my fault." She unfolded the pin-up. "Heh... nice."

"And why is Lion here?" Pearl said. She wagged her finger at him. "Bad Lion. Don't humor Amethyst when she... well, ever." She knelt and squinted at a strange greenish foam about his lips. "What have you been feeding him?"

"Eh, just something I had lying around. He's sleeping it off."

Pearl raised Lion's eyelid and flashed a light from her gem at his face. There was no change in the pupil. Also, he was room temperature. She let his eye fall closed again. "Amethyst... Lion is dead."

Amethyst looked over at Pearl. "Of course you'd say that. What, just 'cause he likes me more, he's dead to you all of a sudden?"

"What did you feed him?!" The stern parent was fading, replaced with maternal panic. "When Steven finds out, he's going to--oh, he's just going to be destroyed by this! And--what if we need him again? What if--" A hellish sea of visions crossed her mind. Is this what it's like to be Garnet? she thought, trying to put off the thought she knew would tear the strength from her legs.

She found an empty box, warped and damp, as though a large mammal stuck his muzzle and licked the insides clean. The box was labeled ACE(TM) LION POISON -- KILLS LIONS DEAD! NEW ZEBRA FLAVOR! It came with a free DVD of "The Ghost and the Darkness."

Pearl tore the magazine from Amethyst's hand and shoved the empty box in her face. "Why. Why did you do this?!"

Amethyst bat the box aside. "What! It's not like it's real poison! I mean, Atomic Warheads aren't even radioactive."

Pearl retrieved the box and pointed the large "WARNING: NOT A NOVELTY FOOD PRODUCT--CONTAINS CARBOFURAN" on its front, sides, bottom, back, lid, and DVD copy of "The Ghost and the Darkness."

"I mean, I eat rat poison all the time and it don't--" Amethyst sighed and rolled off the room-temperature Lion. "Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking, and I've got just the thing for this..."

* * *

The telepad deposited Steven and Pearl in a massive cavern, deep underground (one would presume). Massive crystal formations glinted like stars overhead. They stood on jagged cliffs overlooking a sea of magma.

"Wow!" Steven said, hopping off the pad. "You know, you'd think I'd be super dead right away from the heat and lava gas and stuff, but it's actually pretty cozy in here!"

"Oh, Steven, you're so observant," Pearl said, trying to keep the worry and sadness out of her voice. "Keep an eye out, I... I heard Lion has something to... to show you, little guy..."

"Wait, Lion told you something?" Steven gasped. "He learned to talk?! I knew showing him The Lion King would pay off! It's gonna be so amazing, I can't wait--" He gasped again. "We could do a MUSICAL NUMBER! Him and me and Connie and maybe he can play the drums--"

Pearl winced, and said, "Oh, hey, I think that's him!" She pointed, and waited for him to look where she was pointing before she started to silently cry. On the other side of the magma river, Lion, looking stiff and unconvincing (perhaps a rush taxidermy job, the thought of which made Pearl feel sick), gently wiggled back and forth.

"Oooh hey Steven!" said Amethyst, adopting some kind of cartoon voice, "Look at me, I'm Lion, I'm about to--oh no, I'm falling!" With a sudden shove from behind, Lion tumbled down the side of the cliff and into the magma, going up in a plume of flame and smoke on the way down and smashing to bits on the magma, smoldering away to nothing in moments.

Pearl, knowing what was going to happen and having no wish at all to see it, watched the whole thing, every last second of it, and only heard Steven sink to his knees and shout "Lion! Nooooooooooooooo!" so long and with such force and sincerity it echoed forever in the hell-cavern which was now Lion's grave.

That was a creation of Rose's, she thought, for her son, who is yours too; and this thought destroyed Pearl and she fell to her knees, lost even that strength and flopped onto the ground, sobbing helplessly, as though Rose had died again, and her world was over once more. Steven, to his credit, pulled her up into a seated position, holding her tight and sobbing into her back. "Lion..." he said, between fast, deep gasps, "I... euuh..." He could manage nothing else, and Pearl put her hands on his and the two simply grieved together.

The silence was broken by another voice: "Wait, Steven!" Connie Maheswaran waddled into view, arms held out stiffly, glasses glinting orange from the glow of magma below. Maybe she had a cold, she sounded exactly like Lion. "I think I can save him!"

"No, Connie, don't!" Steven said, voice straining with the effort of shouting. "Please! Don't risk it!"

"I can do it! Just watch--oh noooo!" Connie flopped forward, tumbling end over end, keeping her pose perfectly still to minimize the damage. She fell over the edge of the cliff, and just like Lion caught fire en route to the sea of magma. "Also we fused before we married so I'm going to hell! Goodbye forever Steven!" she said, her last words, in a sick miracle, echoing up from the magma even when her body had been completely subsumed.

"Connie! No-o-o-o-o!" Steven bawled, incoherent with grief. "This can't be happening! This has to... this has to be a..."

Pearl wept into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Steven. I'm so sorry we had to live through this."

"It's alright!" a third still-identical voice rang out. Old Saint Nick crested the hill, waving steadily. "I'm here to use a Christmas miracle to save your friends! Just watch!"

"I believe in you, Santa!" Steven said, his heart all but bursting out of his chest. "I never stopped believing!"

"I know you do, Steven!" Santa Claus said. "All those letters I get every year tell me that! Now, powered up by your belief, I shall--oh nooooo, your belief wasn't strong enough!" Santa, who was somewhat flatter than anticipated, with a small motor built into his hollow back, sailed out over the gap, rebounded off the far wall, and from there plummeted into the magma, not burning but beginning to melt before being subsumed by the waste.

Steven had no words, and simply fell limp in Pearl's arms. In misery, they wept together.

Pearl dreamed, in a waking way, that Lion was lapping her tear-soaked face with his fat rough tongue, and when she opened her eyes at last, she saw that Lion was staring at her, making a curious noise as small as he could make.

"L-lion?!" Steven said, and launched himself at the big pink bastard, sailing right into his mane and having to swim his way back out. "Lion! You're--oh, Lion, please don't scare me like that again!"

Pearl blinked away tears, realizing from the stink of lion-breath that she was not hallucinating, or else was hallucinating so very powerfully she was a lost cause, and realized that Steven had kicked something out of Lion's mane as he climbed out. She reached for it, slowly, as Lion was now rolling onto his back so Steven could get at his tum to rub it, and saw it was the box of poison.

Only now did she notice the tiny asterisk, and following it to the inside bottom flap of the box she read: "Warning: May cause lion resurrection in small but statistically significant number of cases. Please shoot dead lions repeatedly to prevent reanimation."

Amethyst rolled up behind her. "Yo, I lost track of Lion back there, so I just sorta made a fake one. Oh, a fake Connie and Santa too, figured we could nip all that in the bud before he got all co-dependent and shit. Could Steven te--oh, huh, Lion's not dead?" Steven was nuzzling Lion's face, scruffing his mane with one hand, and furiously texting with Connie with his other, judging by the custom tone he used for her text messages. "Huh, whattaya know."

"Amethyst," Pearl said, "did you feed those seagulls Ace(tm) seagull poison?"

"Well, yeah, Ace(tm) makes all my poison. It's tasty stu... aww, shit, you got me." She kicked at the ground, sending pebbles into the magma below. "No _lion_ , I totally fell for that."

"I'm going to stab you later," Pearl said, with a small smile.

"Sure, whatever. Hey, you don't think I went too far with that 'hell' thing? I saw it on TV and it sounded cool."

"I have no idea."

Later, Pearl ambushed Amethyst in the bathroom and stabbed her fifteen times.


End file.
